swordage: Kimberly from Fullmental Alchemist, "mad bomber". (x devilsnest)
[personal profile] swordage
Alright, finally. I'm getting good at writing this crazy stuff. (And, for once, there is no love for Kimbley. This amuses me.)

Title: Cars
Series: FMA
Rating: PG for language
Ramifications: For [livejournal.com profile] pinstripesuit. I figured some humor was in order, and I hope this fits the bill. (Also, one of my ancestors really had an invention called potable gold, and it was advertised as a cure-all. It was rather a hit with the regular folk, I’m told, but respected doctors called him a crock and shut him down. It was gold leaf dissolved in something, I think; it's got all kinds of alchemical connotations, what with gold being perfection and all.)
Summary: Greed hasn't been around for the last hundred years of inventions, after all.
ETA: Fanart by [livejournal.com profile] pinstripesuit: Cars

They all stare at Greed, but Kimbley is the first to start laughing.

“You…” he stammers out, doubled over and nearly hiccoughing, “you’re afraid of automobiles! You’re fucking terrified!”

“What the flying fuck was that?” Greed demands, desperately trying to convince his shield to turn back to skin. He’s also trying to convince his glands that no, he really doesn’t need this adrenaline right now, thank you very much.

“That was a car.” Martel’s voice is bland, but she reaches out to curiously touch his shell. “What’s this?”

“Carbon.” Greed hisses softly as he finally manages to calm his nerves enough to take on a more normal appearance. “Shit. Shit. Explain what the fuck a car is.”

Kimbley isn’t helping things. “A car! An autonomous transport! Oh lord, my sides.”

“You’ve never seen a car?” Law rumbles from the back. Greed is beginning to be annoyed.

“Yes, I have never seen a fucking car. Were there people in that thing?” He’s tempted to kick Kimbley. With a shielded foot.

Dorochet tilts his head questioningly and answers carefully, “Car, trucks, and other automobiles are common transport. They’re machines that use a combustion engine to create forward momentum and are controlled by a steering wheel connected to a bunch of stuff that turns the wheels on the ground.”

“Thank you.” Greed finally feels the last of his fright drop away at the understanding. His fingertips regain sensation, and he glares at them for not having dropped the shield before.

“A car! A fucking car! Saved by a man afraid of cars!” Kimbley’s starting to outright giggle, so he gives in and kicks the man. It doesn’t make a difference, and he sighs.

“I seem,” he informs his people, “to have missed a great deal in the last hundred years.” Kimbley falls over, clutching at his sides.

“Well, um…” Martel frowns at him. “We’ll have to catch you up, then. What’s the last big invention you remember?”

“Potable gold.” At their blank looks he feels like kicking something, so he kicks Kimbley. “I guess it wasn’t really a cure-all, then.”

“Um,” Martel declares.

“I think we need a history book,” Law announces.

“We had trains and ships and horses,” Greed mutters. “Whatever happened to horses? They don’t zip down the street and nearly kill you.”

“The car was on the other side of the street,” Dorochet points out.

“Hush,” Kimbley giggles, “or he’ll get scared at the very thought of it and wet himself again!”

Greed kicks Kimbley, and when a car backfires two streets over, they have to hide Greed from passersby when he can’t convince his shield to go away.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-26 02:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pinstripesuit.livejournal.com
*loves Greed all over*

This is sooooo getting fanart!

Thank you so much! This made my morning!

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-27 02:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pinstripesuit.livejournal.com
I thought it was very funny, mainly because Greed's car phobia seems so plausible (I've seen it in fics before, but it's always great).

For some reason, too, I got some Good Omens-y vibes off this fic, especially with the "potable gold" thing. If you have not read Good Omens, it's very snarky and very British, and Greed kinda reminds me of the character Crowley, who is a demon (except Crowley is not afraid of cars because he drives a 1926 Bentley).

Greed/Dorochet = my warm fuzzles pairing.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-26 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-arel.livejournal.com
*cracks up* Oh my God, that's awful awesome. Poor Greed! I love it! *dances with joy*

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-26 10:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-arel.livejournal.com
Yes, it cracked me up. T here weren't a lot of funny moments in the last few episodes, but God, that bit was hilarious. ^^ Thanks, glad you like.

<3 <3 <3 chuuuuu! Right back atcha!

...Greed reminds me of a big cat here. Like, when cats get freaked out, their ears go back and their eyes get wide and their tail goes erect and all their fur puffs up. Like that. ^^

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-27 03:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-arel.livejournal.com
You say that now, but we'll see. 51 is actually pretty tame. It's 50 that breaks all the brains.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-27 07:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-arel.livejournal.com
Mmm...I think you should, jsut so you can say you've seen the whole series. And then there's still the movie! And don't you want to see Envy's real face?

KIMBERLY: *licks you*

Thanks. ^_^ It's all [livejournal.com profile] laylah_r's fault, she bought me additional icons. *loves on her*

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-28 03:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-arel.livejournal.com
Ah, yes that should do it.

Oooo...yes, yes it is.

KIMBERLY: *sizes your Kimberly up, eyebrow raised* Hmmm...

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-27 02:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pinstripesuit.livejournal.com
...Greed reminds me of a big cat here.

*points to link* [link] (http://www.livejournal.com/community/fm_alchemist/1619923.html)

(no subject)

Date: 2005-01-27 03:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] laylah.livejournal.com
*comes over on [livejournal.com profile] pinstripesuit's rec*

Yey! That was adorable!
Poor panicky Greed. ^_^

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-12 07:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blue-soaring.livejournal.com
Annnnd I'm still here. XD Even your crackfic is perfect. I love you. I love you so hard. *drags off to a corner and molests happily*

I'll stop spamming you now. Really. No, honestly I will. I'll just ficstalk you relentlessly instead. ^_^

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-12 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blue-soaring.livejournal.com
Dragging the roomie to the computer so she can read the excellent nummies. Okay, well, actually, she's kicking me out of the chair because I won't stop enthusing at her. XD XD

ps. carbon-cat Greed. omg, the hilarity.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-22 09:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
*dies laughing*

This is the BEST rendition of Greed's Group I've ever seen--hilarious, I tell you! More humor! The world always needs more humor!

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-22 10:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
Oh god! No more angst! No more! I think you're great at humor though--it's easy to read and simple; it's relaxing. I loved jumpy-Greed; he's always been the most human of the homunculi, the most...likable.

*was killed once by angst in a dark alley, and has never gotten over it*

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-23 05:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
How did you ever watch any of it?

Ummm...I drooled over Envy a lot? And Greed? And Ed?

...Yeah. Yeah, I think so. *thinks* Yep! Plus, I read the manga beforehand, so fell in love with the characters and plot-twisty story in there, and ran through the end of the series just so I could learn all the secrets!

Crazy is delicious. It's absolutely scrumptious.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-23 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
I think the manga is a lot less angsty--I was surprised how much anime/Mustang kept on feeling guilty about Ishbal/Ishvar just in the first episodes, because he doesn't do that in the manga. Some people think that makes him more...not-likeable, but I think it makes him more realistic. If you angst all the time, one morning you're just not gonna get up, you know?

Envy's also a lot more squishier in the manga--he's still evil, but not quite as sadistic or unbeatable--he's funny when he gets his ass kicked, it's just like watching a little kid throw a tantrum and he's so cute doing it! He's cute-kitty-puppy CUTE! Greed's also friendlier, less-mobster-ish.

...Yeah. I'm incredible biased XD
Sure Good Point for Manga: There is no Dante. w00t! Who's Gran though? Don't recognize the name...

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-24 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
Dante as a guy = COOLNESS. Absolute COOLNESS.

Roy's angst...throws me. I can't understand it and the rest of his behaviour, because he seems to contradict himself a lot and...I dunno, he's hard for me to understand with the angst. Without the angst he's more of a jerk, but he's easier for me to understand. I think the angst is coming in later in the manga for him--they're saving it up, I think, because seeing it so early in the anime...threw me for most of the series. Sometimes he makes sense, but other time's his character's weird for me.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-24 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
I can back up my Dante theory with historical research and a smidge of canon. Boo-yah. I should write a ficlet.

That'd be so cool--and it'd be a neat twist on Dante's hang-ups with Hohenhiem...

I read the manga before I read the anime, which is why I think I have trouble getting around the anime 00

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-24 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
Nope! Tucker dies early on and...yeah. There's no Kimberely either 00
And the bits with Greed are longer. 00
It throws you--it really does.

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-24 09:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
Er...I dunno 00

Kimbley actually didn't strike me as cool until after the fandom convinced me. I kinda didn't notice he was there 00

Greed's still got an excellent death scene in the manga, even though Ed isn't the one to kill him. Very, very cool death scene--you should read!

(no subject)

Date: 2005-02-24 11:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelfling8604.livejournal.com
It made me sad too...but there's always the possibility he could come back! And he always has awesome death-scenes; always very dramatic and big and WOOSHY. Always very good XD

(no subject)

Date: 2005-03-05 04:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bard-linn.livejournal.com
That was so great! Its little touches like this that are so often ignored. The fact that so much had changed for Greed is a new concept I've never seen before. ^_^

(no subject)

Date: 2005-04-18 05:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-rami.livejournal.com
I think I busted a gut laughing at this.. I just love the Devil's Nest, and everyone in it. X3!! WONDERFUL fic, thank you!! ~<3


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